Fleur De Scrap

Friday, August 26, 2011

A moment of self pity sense of great age.

This is one post I can't put on Facebook.  My kids' friends or my friends or my husband's friends might see it.  My blog is totally safe from them, though, they're not nearly as interested in my scrapping as they pretend to be.  At least not the ongoing process of it.  They do like the printed up books.

Today I suddenly feel old.  Fat, ugly, old, wasted.  I know, I know, I'm NOT, but it's how I feel.  I'm 43 (and yes, unfortunately a bit overweight, need to work on that), and I do have some back issues, otherwise pretty healthy.  I work, I study, I scrap, I teach Sunday School .  That's about it.  I never get to travel, and I don't have TV to travel vicariously anymore, though I do slowly make my way through books, usually reading a little here and there when I get a chance.

My oldest daughter is 18.  She was homeschooled, I stuck my head in the sand and missed some deadlines, and she'll start college in the spring rather than fall semester.  Thankful.  Yes, I am.

My youngest daughter is 16.  She got her driver's license today.  (insert demented screeches here)

I just want to do everything all over again!  Can't I be 27 again, with a 1-1/2 year-old and a newborn?  Please?  I want to do everything all different.  My kids are so amazing, yes they are wonderful young adults, but I feel like I wasted an entire decade of my life swimming in unhappiness and a sense of unfairness, instead of enjoying the moment.  And now I just feel old and left out.

I know, I know, I'm not.  They don't brush me off like a lot of teens do, we have an excellent parent-child relationship, and their friends think Jason and I are just the coolest parents ever (that might be because they come from less than happy circumstances, but I'll take it)

So when I get off work, in oh ... 2 hours ... I'm going to go home, grab my pooch and play with him for a little while, head to the carwash and clean my car.  And hopefully I'll find my keys that I lost yet again.


Tammy said...

Hugs, Valarie! Sorry you're having a downer of a day! :(

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